Let there be advice… Valentine’s Day Special Edition

By Joe Crollard and Jonathan Mitchell, All original images courtesy of wikimedia.org. Editorial illustrations by Jonathan Mitchell.

Are you tired of being alone on Valentines Day? Do you want to find your “special someone” but don’t know where to start? Well lucky for you we are here to help. Just follow our three simple steps below and we guarantee you will never be alone again.*

	Step 1: Opening Lines Pickup lines get a bad rap but it’s because they are all so generic. Be specific, if your guy/gal is a huge fan of football and the Seahawks, you could tell them you’d like to “touchdown their endzone,” or you could ask them if they’d mind “showing you a little unnecessary roughness below the line of scrimmage,” or tell them that “you’re going to turn their end zone into a wide receiver.” Be direct!
	Step 2: The Art of Peacocking Coming up with a great opening line isn’t going to do you much good if you just blend into the background. Time to master the ancient art of peacocking. The trick is to dress extravagantly in an attempt to attract the opposite sex. Peacocking is only limited by your imagination, all you have to do is wear the loudest, gaudiest clothing imaginable and the douchier the better. So stock up on Ed Hardy muscle shirts and invest in some ascots, those oughta set you apart.
	Step 3: Awwwwww…Love Now that you’ve got that special someone it’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Lay back and let the waves of love cascade over your face. Try not to give into your pulsing hormones. Instead do as these war-time lovers (below) did and sit on adjacent railings, smiling pleasantly, pitching woo and basking in the joy of going steady.